Life threw me a curve ball

I had it all figured out.


When Steve and I got married, I was a nursing student working towards my Bachelors in Nursing. Not long after the wedding, we decided we were going to try and have a baby. We thought it would take at least a year or so, but it took all of two months before I got pregnant. So there I was, pregnant and in school. OK, not quite what I expected. It wasn’t easy, especially because my pregnancy didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped, but I managed.

I thought I had it all figured out.

People have babies all the time and stay in school. Yes, I’d have to take a few semesters off, but then I’d be back and ready to jump back into my studies. My mom had agreed to take care of Elysia while I was in school, and Steve would watch her when he was home. Great, right? Then something changed in me.

Perhaps I don’t have it all figured out.

Steve works a four day schedule. He works four days on, and then has four days off, and his shifts are twelve hours long. Because of this, we had decided before I got married that when I graduated I would work casually as a nurse. A few days a week would be perfect for two reasons. First of all, I love spending time with my family and want to be there for my children. Secondly, I would be home when Steve was at work. If I worked full-time as a nurse, I would likely work the nurse’s schedule of four days on, five days off, and with that schedule we would go through periods of never seeing each other. So the p/t schedule suited us perfectly.

Problem.

It’s impossible to take nursing classes part-time. I looked at every school, considered all the different nursing school options, and found that it is full-time or nothing. This has caused a huge internal dilemma for me. The program I am in is very intense (as I’m sure all Nursing programs are), with a hectic schedule and a lot of study and school work. My classmates are in school three days per week, and also do twelve hour shifts in the hospital 2-3 days every week. This is on top of all the papers and study time/homework given. Home time is study time, not family time. I know this because I’ve done it, and it was tough even without kids. I was willing to do it though, because the end was definitely worth it. However, I spoke to a woman who is in the program and she told me that she has to be like a drill-sergeant with her kids every night. When she gets home it is dinner, bath, bed, and then she can study. That’s when she is home and not doing a 12 hour evening shift in the hospital! Is it still worth it?

I have known one thing for a long time. I have always wanted to be there for my kids.

When I was growing up, my mom worked full-time and I really didn’t like it. I wanted my Mom there, and I remember making a promise to myself that I would not work full-time when I had my own kids. I completely understand why she worked full-time, but our situations are different.

Thankfully, Steve supports my decision either way. His income is sufficient for our family, and we had already agreed that my income would be extra money.  I am incredibly grateful for his support, but I know he would prefer it if I didn't return to school.  He wants me to be happy, and has told me to return to school if it will make me happy, but he also lived with me when I was a student and I think he prefers it when I am not stressing out over school. 

I know a lot of nurses. All of them have children, and some of them even went to nursing school with children. I know it can be done; I’m just not sure that path is the right one for me or my family right now. Honestly, this is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make.

Dilemma.

I feel like a failure if I don’t go back. I feel like a failure if I do go back. I haven't really told anyone about this because I'm worried about what people will think.  Yet I know that's ridiculous because I have to do what is right for me and my family, regardless of whether or not people agree with my decision.  Truthfully, whichever route I take I feel incredibly sad, and I never imagined I would be facing a decision such as this. I’m not ready to say goodbye to my dream of becoming a nurse. I’m not willing to sacrifice the next three years with my daughter. I want to see her take her first step. I want to put her to bed every night and be there in the morning when she wakes. I also want her to be proud of me. I want her to know that I chose to be with her, but I don`t want her to think she held me back from following my dream. Truthfully, she is my dream. I made this child, and her happiness is more important than mine. I just need to be comfortable with my decision and I am having a very difficult time letting go.  Both routes make me cry.

So now what?